When Vulnerability is Effective

This past week I worked with two fantastic teams. They were as different as their missions and I know they will do great work. As one of the teams was creating their ground rules, we had an interesting discussion about vulnerability. One leader said that he gets really uncomfortable when people he doesn’t know well share something that he considers overly personal. I understand and I know that there are actually a lot of people who feel this way. This is based in part on personality but also on many other variables.
 
I shared with them that I think there are some universally positive behaviors with regards to vulnerability at work. And I don’t think vulnerability needs to involve sharing information we consider overly private. There is an expectation that leaders are more open and transparent these days. This is likely due to the availability of information, social media and the fact that we human beings tend to “fill in” and “make up” what we want to know but don’t. In general, it’s better to have accurate information come from the source (you) than through a third party.
 
When I consider behaviors that demonstrate vulnerability, are highly effective, and almost universally positive, here are my top three:

• Own your mistakes

When leaders cover up or ignore their mistakes, everyone knows it. It makes your team and others respect you more when you make a mistake and own it. You also model a healthy behavior that is effective for a team and your honesty will set a good standard for others. Try not to make the same mistake.

• Apologize when you need to

If you know that you have done something that hurt, caused a problem or caused someone inconvenience (e.g., extra or weekend work, etc.), apologize. The apology has to be real, directly from you and please don't just apologize for the “other’s experience” (I hear this more and more).  You have to be willing to apologize for an action you took or something you said for which you are sorry. Work not to repeat the behavior that prompted the apology because that is the proof that you meant what you said.
 
“I am sorry you felt bad.” (A fake apology)
“I am sorry I told _____ that I did not trust you to follow through. I should have discussed my concerns directly with you and I will next time.” (A real apology) 

• Share your feelings about something important

I learned a long time ago when something bad happens or a poor decision is made it is not enough to fix it or make it better. About fifty percent of you are saying, “of course it is”. However the other half (and this is almost equally split between men and women based upon personality data) need to hear how a leader feels about what is happening.  For example, your CEO or board makes what most people on your team believe is a bad decision for whatever reason (bad for the business, ineffective, creates extra work, etc.). You don’t have to throw anyone under the bus to share how you feel, e.g., “I am disappointed.” You can follow up with something that is optimistic or the fact that you will “make it work”, because most likely you must. It is more effective to be real, share how you feel and then move forward.  
 
The truth is we are all seen, heard and known at work. How much we are trusted and understood is up to us. Most of the time when we think we are doing a good job not showing our vulnerability, we are at our most vulnerable.  When we apologize, own our mistakes and share how we feel, we are more effective and connected.  When these behaviors are more common, I also believe workplaces are happier and healthier and that it more than a bonus.